Posts Tagged ‘mental health’

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30 Days of Truth – Day 29

January 13, 2011

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself.  And why.

Ugh.  Talk about timing…  This has been a week full of self-loathing and self-pity.  So asking me that question right now gets you the answer: everything.  But I suppose that’s not altogether practical.  Damn.

This is actually something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, you know, with the introspection and joblessness and depression and whatnot.  I can find plenty of faults but not that many solutions.  And even when I’m able to recognize a flaw — What did you say?  Ohhh, right, we’re not using realistic words like “flaw” anymore.  Too negative, obviously.  Right.  —  Even when I’m able to recognize a characteristic of mine that I’d like to change, I’m not usually… something enough to follow through with it.

Now, I’m not promising to follow through with this either, but I suppose there is something binding about putting pen to paper, so to speak.  The behavior(s) that I will be trying to recognize and change is my intolerance.  For myself and others.  I’m impatient and harsh and judgmental.  Among other things.  I suppose I’ve been trying to change this part of myself since I was a teenager, so I’ve had a lot of practice but not much success.  No, thank you, I don’t want your help.  You’re already bugging me.  LOL   But I refused you nicely, didn’t I??

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30 Days of Truth – Day 1

November 17, 2010

Thirty days of supposedly thought-provoking, self -reflective blog posts. Now, as you can see by the number of posts here, my blog is wildly active and I can hardly restrain myself from posting several times a day. Yeah. Right. So in light of my propensity for procrastination and the upcoming holiday season , I am going to amend the meme to reflect the truth of ME and rename it to 30 Truths Stretched Out Over an Undetermined Amount of Time. Yes, I think that has a nice ring to it.

And on with the show.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

I imagine this might be a difficult one for happy, well adjusted people, but luckily for us, I am neither of those things! I suppose we could take the route of examining what I don’t hate about myself, but… That’s Day 2, sillies, let’s not be too anxious. I’m going to assume that the meme maker wasn’t speaking of physical “somethings” when they created this item on the list, or we could go with the usuals of extra weight here, grey hair there, an ever deeper and more prominent wrinkle right there (yes, botox is in my future, I don’t care what anyone says), etc., etc. And honestly, that would be a little… banal for my taste anyway. Ah yes, the procrastination and avoidance has gone on quite nicely for the last couple of sentences, hasn’t it? Okay, okay, let’s get down to business.

The thing that I hate the most about myself would have to be… See, now, here I am again, trying to decide what to say. And it really isn’t procrastination or avoidance, and it certainly isn’t a lack of things to hate, but… I guess it’s not such an easy question for even the most embittered souls out there. Sorry, happy people, I was unjustifiably harassing you again. There’s this thing that those happy people have that I haven’t figured out yet. They’re full of… something (no, not THAT) that I am missing and can certainly feel as a void in my life. They have passion. (And you have to have the correct image in your head when you read that word, btw, or we can’t continue. It’s the balling of the hands into fists and the slight lowering of the voice and the flexing of all the muscles in your body. Go ahead, try it, you know you want to. Okay, good? Good.) There’s a drive and an oomph and a passion that I’m lacking. I am the dark side of inertia and I hate it. No one thinks of inertia this way because everybody remembers the ball or the matchbox car demonstration. Away it rolls until gravity finally slows it or something changes its path. And that’s how I see people- happily rolling away, dealing with their daily life. But you have to remember that inertia is the resistance to a change the state of motion or rest. I am at rest. Perpetually. I don’t have the oomph. I don’t have the passion. I don’t have what’s needed to give me that first little push down the hill. Unless, of course, it’s a deadline or timeline or something of an externally imposed nature, but I’m not going to count panic or late fees as my passion. Now, maybe there is no such thing as the passion or oomph I’m talking about and I’m making excuses and just need to give myself a swift kick. And in that case, I hate my apathy. Flip sides of the same coin, I suppose. I can’t hate something I don’t have, right? Fine, I hate my apathy. It keeps me comfy and cozy and not caring and not wanting. Yes, I’m working on it. No, it’s not progressing very rapidly. But I’m trying, and maybe this little blogger challenge was just whatI needed to get that ball rolling.

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Endless Possibilities

October 7, 2010

Anything is possible when you set your mind to it, right?  That’s what my mother tells me, at least.  That and “If you don’t succeed, try, try again” and “Stay positive” and all that other positive thinking, new age, mind over matter mumbo jumbo.  Well, I still don’t think I believe any of it, but I’ve been feeling inspired, motivated, optimistic, even.

I’ve made quite a few changes since 2010 began and all of them are shaping up to be very positive ones.  I’ve made time for family, even though they’re 500 miles away.  I’ve been doing a bit more socializing in RL (after only 5 years of living here, woo!) with people my age.  I’ve moved on from a… somewhat baneful situation and have been keeping myself healthy and happy.  I’ve found some creative outlets that allow me to express myself more eloquently.  I’ve started school (again!) to get a degree in something that I probably should have pursued from the beginning.  And through it all, I’ve been lucky enough to have someone to support me when I needed a little buttressing.

So, inspired by Envi’s faith, Rae O’ Sunshine’s plurk and GIMPKnowHow, I’ve put together a project that shows what a little hard work and a little confidence can do.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed myself while making it.

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Challenging Discoveries

July 17, 2010

The past two days have been pretty rough on me emotionally.  You never realize it at the time, at least I don’t, but emotions and reactions to emotions and reactions to reactions are quite fascinating.  Now, I know they don’t feel fascinating when someone is crying or yelling or shutting down, but interpersonal and intrapersonal interactions are amazing.  The way you change and grow, or change and wither, when you’re with someone or without someone.  The way you anticipate their next thought or move and plan to counter it before it even happens.  The warring that goes on within yourself when you’re wrestling with difficult decisions.  Fascinating.  Now, at the conclusion of the second day, everything has been resolved as well as it could be; a relationship was renewed, a relationship was lost and a soul was searched.  In my Second Life profile, I have a quote from an unknown author, I’m not even sure where I ran across it, but it rings true in many aspects of my life right now:  Growth means change and change involves risk, stepping from the known into the unknown.  So the last couple of days have been about growth.  And growth doesn’t sound so scary, it sounds great, actually, but when you realize that change has to precede growth…  That’s when my knees start knocking.  I’m not good with change, not good with risk, not good with the unknown.  But I must have faith in myself to take calculated risks for my heart and my mind and hope that growth is not far behind.

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BBBC2 – Being Positive

June 14, 2010

Hmm.  Being positive.  That’s not an easy thing for me.  My nature leans much farther toward the other end of the spectrum.  I tend to wrap myself in negativity like Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak, hoping that no one will notice me as they pass by.  The challenge organizer differentiated todays prompt into SL and RL, but I’m not sure if I can separate the two enough to focus on one or the other.  So I’ll try to come up with three positive things going on in either or both of my lives right now.

1.  My family.  Thanks to the passing years adding maturity, I’ve become much closer to my mother and sisters in the last few years.  My whole family has mentioned at one time or another that they’ve walked on eggshells around me so I wouldn’t get upset and act ummm… cranky.  I’ve been working on my reactions to everyday situations and have become a much closer member of my immediate family.  They are absolute gems and I’m so luck to have them all in my life.  I’m even more lucky they stuck around and waited out my stupidity.

2.  Mental health.  While I wouldn’t say I’m rainbows-and-bunnies-happy, I’m not a total mess anymore either.  I’ve had a lot of life changes in the last year or so.  Some professional, some personal, some positive, some not so positive.  But I have been making a conscious effort to deal with all of it in an appropriate manner.  Last summer was kind of ugly after I lost my job as a teacher.  I was left feeling pretty worthless and lost.  My sense of direction is (hopefully) coming back and I have a lot more self-worth than I have had in the past.  I’m looking forward to a healthy summer and the rest of the year.