Posts Tagged ‘family’

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Pride and Reality Substitution

May 1, 2011

So, I was thinking about pride.  I was feeling very sure of myself in my (silent and internal) assertion that pride is, in fact, not a deadly sin.  I was even prepared to pull out the dictionary definition to support my brilliant train of thought.  Alas, my theory that pride was neutrally or even positively connotative (connotated?) was not as solid as I thought.  But since this is my blog, I will (in the words of the great Adam Savage …or the writers of 1985′s The Dungonmaster –who knew??), “reject your reality and substitute my own.”  So, what that means to you is that for the next minute or so, depending on how quickly you read, you will assume that pride is a good thing and only a sin when found in excess, and therefore no longer pride, but hubris or conceit or something of that nature.

Anyway, the whole point of this is to acknowledge something I’m proud of.  (Which brings up a whole new conversation about feeling pride for states of being or accomplishments that are not your own, but we’re not going into that right now.)

I am very proud of my sisters’ determination and perseverance in working toward their weight loss goals.  Whatever their reasons- health, appearance, fitness, all of the above- they are sticking to their self-imposed restrictive diets and exercise plans.  Heck, one of them is even willing to get back on roller skates after breaking her ankle and becoming the bionic woman.  I know how hard it is to keep up the momentum on a resolution like that (I can’t even get through making a resolution, for Pete’s sake) and I admire them for it.

So that’s all.  I’m proud.  For them and of them.  And there’s nothing sinful about that.

Keep it up, girls.  Love you so much!

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30 Days of Truth – Day 28

January 11, 2011

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Right now?  After the initial pissed off exclamation of, “Damnit!  I’ve been telling people for YEARS that accidents don’t really happen!,” I’d be really excited.  And scared.  And all the other feelings that future moms have when they find out they have a tiny human growing inside of them.  I am a paranoid and private enough person that I wouldn’t tell anyone for a while.  Excitement and/or physical side effects (Is that what you call them?  Pregnancy really is like a disease or parasite, so I guess side effects works as well as anything) would probably get the better of me in about a week or so and I’d tell the hubs.  I don’t know how long I could go without telling Mom, I suppose that would all depend on what part of the phone conversation cycle we were in.  No one else would find out until the second trimester.  Too many things go wrong during the early weeks, or more accurately perhaps, too many things don’t go right.  It happens.  And that’s something I’m prepared to deal with, but I don’t need to deal with everyone else too.  Mourning, among other things, is something I prefer to do privately.

That’s a very different answer than the one I would have given you 10 years ago.  Or even 5 years ago.  And I reserve the right to have a different answer tomorrow if I want to.  I think that becoming a parent is a very important and conscious decision that an adult needs to make.  And I don’t mean that you need to patch your 17 year old family together and get married to some boy that’s gonna bolt whether he’s married or not.  I don’t see parenthood as a default.  Right now, it’s not a choice I’m making.  On purpose.  Because I can’t do what I think I need to do for a child right now.  But it wouldn’t be a problem to make those lifestyle changes and it’s not something that’s too far in my future.  5 years ago I was in (almost) as stable of a place in my life, but I don’t know if my reaction would have been excitement.  And I don’t know if that pregnancy would have resulted in a birth.  I think that we’d have a lot more well adjusted adults out there if more parents and potential parents actually thought about what is best and not what is expected.

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30 Days of Truth – Day 6

November 22, 2010

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

This one is simple.  It may not be simple to write, but it’s simple to answer.  I hope I never have to deal with the loss of a child.  Of course, that’s one of the least imaginable things for anyone to go through.  And no, it’s nothing I have to worry about at this point, since children are still a few years away.  But after having to deal with real loss and real mourning for the first time…  Oh lord…  The way my brain works…  I’m chuckling to myself as I’m thinking about typing a little “Love you, Daddy” right there and having that thought followed immediately by “Well, I’d say something like ‘Hope you’re enjoying the blog,'” but then I heard him tell me that was stupid because you can’t read anything once you’re in the ground, so…  No greetings to the Dad.  Okay, fine, it’s only funny to me, whatever.  Anyway…

In all seriousness, his death has been the first real loss I’ve had to deal with.  Yeah, all four of my grandparents have passed away, but I wasn’t very close to any of them and only remember most of them with a child’s eyes and emotions.  So, using my cognitive knowledge that people grow old and die while experiencing the emotions of my first true grief…  Well, it’s shown me that I wouldn’t ever want to experience a death that I consider “unnatural” or “outside the natural order of things.”  No parent should have to endure the loss of a child.  The unimaginable grief and guilt could eat a person alive.  I think the only thing that would keep me mentally sound, or draw me back into mental stability would be another child that needed me.

So, enough of the depressing post.  Of course there are plenty of trivial things I hope I never have to do, as well, like cleaning the previously mentioned children’s vomit out of my cleavage or from the cracks between the wooden floorboards, but I’d do it over and over again to keep them safe and healthy.

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Endless Possibilities

October 7, 2010

Anything is possible when you set your mind to it, right?  That’s what my mother tells me, at least.  That and “If you don’t succeed, try, try again” and “Stay positive” and all that other positive thinking, new age, mind over matter mumbo jumbo.  Well, I still don’t think I believe any of it, but I’ve been feeling inspired, motivated, optimistic, even.

I’ve made quite a few changes since 2010 began and all of them are shaping up to be very positive ones.  I’ve made time for family, even though they’re 500 miles away.  I’ve been doing a bit more socializing in RL (after only 5 years of living here, woo!) with people my age.  I’ve moved on from a… somewhat baneful situation and have been keeping myself healthy and happy.  I’ve found some creative outlets that allow me to express myself more eloquently.  I’ve started school (again!) to get a degree in something that I probably should have pursued from the beginning.  And through it all, I’ve been lucky enough to have someone to support me when I needed a little buttressing.

So, inspired by Envi’s faith, Rae O’ Sunshine’s plurk and GIMPKnowHow, I’ve put together a project that shows what a little hard work and a little confidence can do.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed myself while making it.

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BBBC4 – What’s my age again?

June 16, 2010

Age.  What an interesting construct.  Granted, you can’t argue with biology, but age is such a fluid thing.  Everyone can picture the spry 90 year old woman who embraces life, beaming at everyone that touches her life, infusing every situation with joy and enthusiasm.  Just as easy to conjure up is the curmudgeon, appearing 20 years older than his chronological age as he scowls at the world, finding only the negative in any given situation.

I know these two characters very well; I was raised by them.  My mother has always had an infectious optimism, even when faced with life threatening illness.  The opposite end of the spectrum housed my father and his failing physical health that was constantly exacerbated by depression and pessimism.  My sister (the poet) recently summed up his mental and physical decline with the haunting observation that “He’s been dying since we were twelve years old.”

Wow, that’s not quite where I planned on going with this post, but it’s always something that pops into my head when age is discussed.  So, with those two contrasting images in my head, I try to remind myself to stay youthful, to stay positive.  My mom has always been the type to embrace her age and stand proud regardless of the stigma attached to each passing decade.  I tend to be the same way, knowing that age is a number and doesn’t have any more control than you choose to give it.  I’ll admit, I flinched when I saw 30 on the horizon, but it didn’t sting nearly as much as I thought it would.  It’s interesting to look at that milestone age and think about where I assumed I’d be at this age.  As a young girl, I fully expected to have at 2.5 kids by now.  That idyllic, picket fence vision faded as I grew older and those 2.5 kids keep getting pushed further and further into the future, until they’re barely a twinkle within the twinkle in my eye.  I used to have such expectations that linked life events to age– go to college until 21, get engaged by 22, married by 23, babies by 25– and I’m slowly shaking off those preconceived age-life links.  Now I find myself having to defend my decisions in the face of other’s expectations about age and milestones.  Luckily, I have a very supportive family and am able to confidently make choices, knowing they will be there for me to lean on when I need it.

And yes, I’ll tell you:  I’m 31, I’ve been married almost 5 years and we’ve been together for over 12.  I don’t have kids, don’t want kids right now, but don’t make any assumptions about what I’ll want in the future, so it’s always on the table.  I do occasionally hear the tic-tok of the biological clock and always set the snooze to go off again in a couple of years.

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BBBC2 – Being Positive

June 14, 2010

Hmm.  Being positive.  That’s not an easy thing for me.  My nature leans much farther toward the other end of the spectrum.  I tend to wrap myself in negativity like Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak, hoping that no one will notice me as they pass by.  The challenge organizer differentiated todays prompt into SL and RL, but I’m not sure if I can separate the two enough to focus on one or the other.  So I’ll try to come up with three positive things going on in either or both of my lives right now.

1.  My family.  Thanks to the passing years adding maturity, I’ve become much closer to my mother and sisters in the last few years.  My whole family has mentioned at one time or another that they’ve walked on eggshells around me so I wouldn’t get upset and act ummm… cranky.  I’ve been working on my reactions to everyday situations and have become a much closer member of my immediate family.  They are absolute gems and I’m so luck to have them all in my life.  I’m even more lucky they stuck around and waited out my stupidity.

2.  Mental health.  While I wouldn’t say I’m rainbows-and-bunnies-happy, I’m not a total mess anymore either.  I’ve had a lot of life changes in the last year or so.  Some professional, some personal, some positive, some not so positive.  But I have been making a conscious effort to deal with all of it in an appropriate manner.  Last summer was kind of ugly after I lost my job as a teacher.  I was left feeling pretty worthless and lost.  My sense of direction is (hopefully) coming back and I have a lot more self-worth than I have had in the past.  I’m looking forward to a healthy summer and the rest of the year.