30 Days of Truth – Day 4November 20, 2010
Okay, I guess I’m going to stop saying how hard it is to come up with an answer to each of these questions. They’re difficult things to find examples of, especially answers that you might want to share with the interwebz. So, unless you hear me proclaiming how easy it was to write, assume I had a tough time thinking about the topic and forming a coherent, public-friendly post.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Like I said yesterday, I usually forgive pretty easily, even if I don’t forget. Typically, I’m the one that needs forgiveness, so thinking about it this way is a little unexpected. I’m having to look below that cut-off line for someone who I haven’t forgiven and hadn’t really thought about forgiving. And the person or group of people that is coming to mind is a very cliché answer, but it’s true. Down there, far below the “worth it” line exist the people in my youth who have made me feel bad about myself. The teasers, the name callers, the bullies, the frienemies. They are all down there, festering, a wound that has never quite healed. Cognitively, I know they’ve helped shape me into the person that I am today, so I can’t resent them too much, but the less cognitive, more feeling side of me says “f*** that.” These are the people who taught me to build the walls around myself, to wear the mask of indifference, to lash out first so my words would cut fast and deep before I could be cut down myself. These are the people who made me fearful to attract attention to myself, to speak my thoughts in a group, to leave myself vulnerable in any way. While I was building these skills to defend myself against them, things got confused within me and I started “defending” myself from foe and friend alike. I started to use my defenses as an offense that was often unleashed on those closest to me. But they were just children and I was just a child and none of that affects us as we grow into adults, right? Sadly, their lessons stuck with me and have colored far too many aspects of my life. So I might have to forgive them, but I’m choosing not to. I’m still waiting until I’ve unlearned their lessons and my defenses are lowered and my mask comes off. Until that day comes they will remain unforgiven.